I told myself I wouldnt make another diary entry page, because I don't exactly like having my public thoughts out there...but its MY website. ofcourse you're gonna find what I think on here.
nonetheless, I've been having a really hard time with my IRL name recently. I chose it back in 2021 or so, and I feel it really doesn't fit me anymore- too many bad memories, isnt masc at all, and NO ONE will take me seriously with it. Like. I love standing out but come on.
But at the same time, ive gone by this name for so long. My little sisters know me by it (and they sure as hell won't understand), its all over my documents, and all my friends know me by it... the worst of all being that its my preferred name on the GENDER SERVICE.
still!!! even if I were to just have my name changed in university Id be happy. its the main reason why I'm writing this- I don't want my new uni life to be shadowed by my shitty name choices.
whatever. its cold.
recently I've been going out more, specifically to these furry meets in my country. I have a fursuit and its fun to dress up, PLUS im getting my excercise in so why not!
...though, recently my usual meet has gone on hiatus after some drama. yeah, its sad, but they'll come back bigger and better! and in the meantime, I have this smaller meet to go to instead (even though its way more geared towards therians).
the issue with this is that its all managed by, to put it lightly, kids. Im the oldest there, and while I love meeting up it really feels like I'm at a daycare, even if theyre only 1-2 years younger than me.
ok honestly i dont really care about that, but what i DO care about is ALL THE OVERSHARING OH MY GODDDD.
I dont mean in the vent channels. obviously, thats what its there for and you arent forced to read. I mean morseso the people I met. Once again, theyre all younger than me, yet they feel so comfortable oversharing and trauma dumping without asking?
the more you do it the more im not gonna GAF man! im not your therapist or cahms worker im a rando that you met once who has their own things to worry about.
ever since I started taking these weird, definitely not perscribed calming meds ive had HORRID stomach issues whenever I need to go somewhere. Yeah, im definitely calmer and dont give as much of a fuck about strangers or staring- you can tell from how much I go fursuiting outside now. BUT regardless im left with this horrid, heart attack level pain in my stomach everytime im preparing to go somewhere. its quite worrying. surely little pills full of lavender shouldnt have *that* side effect?? it wasnt even stated on the little sheet they give.
wow a rare back to back rant.
basically, I went to this awards ceremony last night for my college. AND BOY WAS IT BAD!!
the first red flag was that it was held in a church- not that bad on paper, but I have this horrid and weird fear of going into churches. I've just sinned too much to be comfortable in there.
second red flag was that no one I knew was there! as in... none of my friends. I wouldve managed this whole day way better if i just had a friend with me.
AND OUT FINAL RED FLAG!!! AKA what made me write this.
so, basically they had an award for each subject/field (plus a few extras) that were given for good grades/achievements. Being an art and Esports student with top grades (A*/D*), I was eligile for 4 awards. yay!
I didnt get any art award which is ok! there were some incredible pieces by others so im fine with that! more power to them.
I GOT NO ESPORTS AWARDS.
am I being a bit selfish? not really. INSTEAD, THEY GAVE THE AWARDS TO SOMEONE WHO SKIPPED ALL THE LESSONS???? AND HE DIDNT EVEN SHOW UP TO THE FUCKING CEREMONY.
"okay, you know what? fine. its fine. they probably had a hard time but worked really hard" IS WHAT I WOULDVE SAID IF THIS PERSON DIDNT RELY ON AI TO MAKE HIS ASSIGNMENTS.
Im sorry, but I wrote, researched, and put together ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS BY HAND. NO AI, EVEN WHEN THE FUCKING TEACHER USED AI TO GRADE WORK AND GIVE INSTRUCTIONS.
I even hand-made a game concept with charcters and EVERYTHING which was shared to other teachers because of how good it was.
but I guess at the end of the day, handmade work isnt as good as AI slop.
, is it?
they also had this after ceremony dinner, which I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO, but there were only these round tables that I'd have to sit with strangers to eat. whatever. Ill just get subway.
SUBWAY IS FUCKING CLOSED.
recently ive been having lots of good food for dinner. Food that I'd usually save if what I did that day was 'noteworthy' (like doing a few drawings and animations).
As much as I love eating my favourite foods, having them so frequently takes away the specialty of them in the first place, and that scares me a lot. it leads to uneccesary greed and calories.
bbut with the way that this world is going, just making it through the day and updating this website is noteworthy. getting out of my bed is noteworthy, isnt it? I could easily spend all day in there. If it wasnt for my phone needing charging.
On another topic I've been feeling the need to go to bed earlier these days. Am I old? no. its just. this weird urge to sleep whenever I've eaten my previously mentioned dinner like I'm some sort of hibernating bear. might as wel be
It's quite nice on paper- I get to wake up earlier, which means speaking to my boyfriend for longer. oh how I worry about and miss him. But, I have this fun little perk that means I can't ACTUALLY go to sleep as easily. I'll stay up, have the odd nightmare or imagery that keeps me awake for another few minutes. and then I end up satying up until god knows when.
I found a way to counter-act this, but I dont want to sin like that anymore. It makes me more fearful of the church and God.
and that makes me think again. Will my actions affect *his* outcomes? would god punish anyone close to such a deep sinner? surely not.
this is something thats been on my mind for a while now. its like this weird, nagging sensation that doesnt stop.
its about self-made sites.
it gets me down quite a bit how basically none of my layouts are made by me (apart from the graphics, but thats barely a layout). even with my index, that center box is a code snippet.
I mostly attribute this reliance on layouts and snippets to my memory getting bad, as I've said time and time again here. hell, earlier I was crying because I couldn't remember an important thing I told my mom, and she has a brain tumor?! so why am i remembering less than her??
its just horrid. I'd love to make my site myself again. but at the same time I HATED how when the aspect ratio changed my site would just shit itself and look ugly.
using premade layouts has way more pros than the trials of selfmade (especially in my shoes), but in the end, unless you butcher the source code to hell and back, it'll never truly be yours, will it?